Six Reasons Why I Hate Being a Runner

Now lets take a second to say I am not a runner. I’m using that term loosely. At most, I’ve ran 5-6 miles, but lately my body is just like fuck you and has injured me at every turn. So, I am not a marathon-er by any means.

1. Men- Oh my goodness. Whenever I am out running, even if I chose to run in the middle of the desert, there is always some guy creepin’ up on me. The other day I was running in our town’s “main street”, which yes there are a lot of people out, but mostly old. Anyway, these two guys stop the car to stare at me. Um, gross? Just because I have jiggly women parts doesn’t mean you can stop to stare at them. It’s just rude. Just because there’s a glass window in between us doesn’t mean we’re at a museum and you can stare like a gross pig. And you wonder why you’re alone.

2. Other runners- I don’t know when runners became like women. Or bitches. Whenever I pass anyone during running, walking, or general life, I always smile. Why? Because we’re all fucking human beings on this Earth at the same time, might as well smile about it! It drives me crazy when people don’t smile back. Ugh. Anyway, other runners always mean mug me like we’re in some competition, even if we’re running the opposite way.

Like cool your jets man, I’m just enjoying the day, no need to be so damn hostile about it.

3. Getting dressed- There is no good way to dress when running. Seriously. Think about it. If it’s cold and you’re poor and can’t afford all that snazzy Gore-tex, Under Armour shit, then you look like a crazy person with 50 layers on trying to run. If it’s chilly, you have to dress little enough so that you’re cold half the time, but warm when running. If it’s hot, you just wanna take it all off, but if you’re running, you clearly could stand to lose some weight and no one wants to be gross. You’re pretty much screwed from the start.

4. Injuries- As I’ve mentioned, I’m all screwed up. I got ankle problems, knee problems.  I’m fucking twenty years old. I know when it’s going to rain because my knees hurt. What. The. Hell.

5.- Music-I never make a playlist. My bad. Sorry I like spur of the moment. I hate when you’re running and that one song you don’t want to listen to comes on. Then you’re too stubborn to just listen to it and are fiddling with your music player of choice, while dodging runners, dog shit and balancing on your injuries.

6.- Children- As you’ve probably figured out, I hate a lot of things. Sorry, baby mama’s, but I’m not a children fan. Especially when parents have no clue how to discipline those little shits. When I’m running, I know I’m going to have to dodge people. But I didn’t think parents would let their kids stand in the way and then smile at me like isn’t my poorly behaved child so cute? No. It isn’t. And neither are you. Teach your kid to get the fuck out of the way before I kick it in the face.

But through it all, I still like running. So here’s to another couple of years of getting eye raped, injuries from head to toe and mean mugged.

Yee-hah, motherfucker.


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